I have started this sentence and backtracked so many times because it’s hard to know where to even begin. America is under threat, and we are flooded with red flag alarms about the fast-approaching downfall of democracy and a rapid descent into a fascist hellscape.

So, I guess I’ll start here: A very kind woman at my work shared something deeply personal and frightening: her husband has stage-four colon cancer with liver damage caused by chemotherapy. Since his condition is rare, he’s being studied, yet all of that halted immediately when our shadow President (God, it’s so hard to even write out his name), cruelly pulled the plug on federally funded medical studies. This incredibly kind woman, wanted to give me comfort that day because I was in the throws of anxiety after calling EMS on my father (another blog post for another time). And in this conversation, she told me this:  We are all experiencing a major pivotal point in American history, and that everyday folks need to write about it for future generations to study.

So, here I am, a mere commoner, providing some historical insight into the demise of our great nation with a surprisingly fragile democracy. The intention of this series is not to go viral, get a ton of likes or attract a mass following. I just want to chronicle this experience to share a slice of history not told by political podcasters and academics. These posts will be deeply personal, so I don’t care to share them even on my social media channels because, let’s face it, our pages are riddled with non-friend looky-loos, am I right? I’ll only share this initial post because I want to encourage others to chronicle their experiences too.

Here it goes: I’m incredibly scared. We were warned about the consequences of Trump without guardrails, but the majority of Americans who only serve their own interests (another post for another time) chose to be traitors to their own country. And for what? Racism, sexism, hate, bigotry, cruelty, greed, and the insatiable thirst for cheap groceries. I hate that I live in this deeply, DEEPLY, individualistic, selfish nation, but here I am. They’re proud of themselves for “owning the libs,” but I’m thinking by now they must be regretful. Of course, they won’t admit it to themselves or others, but how could they not be just as scared as the rest of us who voted the right way? How is it even possible to blame multiple plane crashes on something like DEI? Where is the fucking logic in this? They’re all going to find a way to blame Biden for all the hardships, yet none of their arguments make any sense. It’s all spin, spin, spin, fake Russian propaganda news (thanks a lot, Joe Rogen), and conspiracy theories. How are millions of Americans brainwashed? How?????

As for my anxiety de jour, it would have to be the recent scene captured on video of an unknown man barring the doors to the Department of Education Building. While watching the confused crowd of Congress members asking him repeatedly, “Who are you? Why are you blocking the door?” and seeing the armed police officers standing guard behind the glass window, I felt a rush of terror. This is something you would see in a dystopian movie, not real life. If this is allowed to happen, anything goes. My poor, frazzled mind is still grappling with thoughts of the shadow President and his young Nazi minions fucking around with ALL OUR SOCIAL SECURITY INFORMATION and dumping highly secure data into AI. As Rachel Maddow recently informed us, this is “Christmas in February” for our Chinese and Russian enemies. She also noted that our shadow President has major business dealings in China, so he stands to gain more billions and more power by helping them eviscerate our nation.

I think this is a good place to stop. Boundaries are so important, and I’m doing my best to flip the switch and take care of my mental health. It’s SO hard, but I’m trying. My Calm and Headspace apps are working overtime, and I highly recommend guided meditations, sleep stories, binaural music, and soundscapes to anyone who’s feeling ALL THE FEELS with me. Maybe pick up a self-help book while you’re at it. I recently listened to “Happy Days” by Gabrielle Bernstein and was sadly disappointed that most of her advice weighs heavily on religion, something my college philosophy professor called “the opiate of the masses.” Sorry, but I missed the organized religion indoctrination back in my misspent youth. I wish I could comfort myself with the “Jesus, take the wheel” mentality, but nah. It’s just not for me.

She did provide one very helpful piece of advice that I plan to follow! That’s the thing about self-help books, isn’t it? Most of it is gobbledygook, but one nugget of wisdom can really make a difference! Here’s the advice: Don’t repress your emotions. Get it out on paper by journaling for 20 minutes while listening to binaural music, which does something magical to your brain chemicals. She calls her journal, “Rage on the Page,” which I think is so apropos for the times. Write it all out in these three sections: Fear, frustration, resentment. Afterwards, the enormous cabin pressure should ease just a bit. I’m hoping this will help because dang! I have never felt the weight of the world on my shoulders like this. It’s heavy, unsettling, and so disorienting. I mean–my God–I just read a story in the Austin-American Statesman about a “Trump Burger” chain coming to Texas, making me wonder if this is even real news or something pumped out by Musk and his minions. The world is a scary place when you don’t even know what is real anymore.

While writing this, I’m wondering if a major server crash will wipe out my chronicles, so perhaps I’ll print this all out as I go along and keep a manuscript somewhere safe. That’s where my mind goes, and it’s a dark place, my friends. In the meantime, I’m going to make a conscious effort to take care of my mental health because worrying about things you can’t control is a pointless exercise.

Until next time…